Once upon a crumbly cake, the morning spiked with dew

Migrainee woodsman fixed the brace into his tarheel shoe

He said goodbye to Charlie, now unfit to sit or shake

D’hound all fat with venom from a timber rattlesnake

He tried to make a break that day, sad woodsman on a dare

But vexed! instead he found himself hosting quite a bear

Stupid, slow and overfed this woolly one was not

Our hero knew not half the tricks his caller had forgot

The bear blew snuffling cross the porch, scratching down the wall

And clawing at the baseboards where the meeker beings crawl

“Let me in you silly man, I’ve waited far too long

It’s time to taste your body now, I’m weary of your song

For five long years I’ve listened, most contented I’ll admit

But just this morning I awoke and had enough of it

I think it’s time I ate you, and that queer dog Charlie, too

You’re useless--it’s been ages since you sang me something new”

He made the bear a promise, to shine up something big

Brewed in “Murder, lust and loss and all that shit you dig

I’ll just filly fetch the others, collect ‘em all back here

It won’t be long til there’s a tale or 12 for you to hear

If I falter you can eat them, spit their bones across the bog

Just leave this busted woodsman and his bloated, snakebit dog”

Quite intriguing thunk the bear, but wary just the same

(His mother taught him not to smoke & never trust the lame)

“So tell me sorry woodsman, is that Sophie lass around?

I think she sounds delicious, so savory pound for pound”

“I’ll say,” spake the woodsman, “and I’ll bring the miner, too

He’s a stringy bastard, but could be nice in stew

And so many tasty others I could scare up for yr stores

If you’ll let me just get on with it, attending to my chores”

So mountaintop to tarbox to a Scottish chapel dank

Upon a haunted desktop with a dangermouse he drank

With a Christian and his johnny hot, he toiled in the know

And smarted near the altar between weatherhead & beau

In Bristol town with Adrian they gave that bear what for

Spanking on the steely strings with bristles from a boar

Then to the static they returned, to satisfy the beast

To rescue Sweet Teresa from the devils of the east

Just then his fucking brace gave out, hard wear begat this fall

And so the famished, fetid bear began to eat them all.